Awwwwkward: how to maneuver your first year with your “extended” family.

AKA: Your new Baby’s birthfamily.

First of all MAZELTOV! You’re new and proud parents of a brand new, bouncing baby boy/girl, and you’ve got a birthmama to thank for it. You all must be feeling the emotional high that most couples feel immediatley after the wedding. Sadly, this rush doesn’t last as long as we’d like it to. Pretty soon, your days are consumed with midnight feedings, dirty diapers, throwup and little to no sex with your partner. Ahh, the joys of parenthood. But something seems to be missing from this picture…you can’t quite put your finger on it…… Oh yeah!!

Your birthmother.

In talking to other birthparents, (and from personal experience)I have found that the first year of new parent/birthparent interactions are the most awkward and draining. I mean, really? What can you really say to someone after you’ve gone through such an enormous life changing situation together? “Hi…Um….Thanks for the baby? Sorry you’re suffering?”.

I’m here, ladies and gents, to help you out with ideas and little hints as to how to navigate the first year as a team with your new extended family.

Tip one: *cue the 80’s music* Dooon’t you….Forget about meeee…

Just that. Don’t forget about your birthmother. I know, the first few moths are draining, you’ve got baby showers, parties, family gatherings, photo sessions, doctors appointments, court appointments and GAAAHHH! So much to do! But all it takes is one minute to pick up the phone and call the woman who carried your baby. A simple “Hi” may be enough to lift thier entire day. As someone who gave up her daughter for adoption, the first two months were the hardest on me. I felt a lot like a female dog must feel after she has puppies Everyone “oooohs” and “aaaahhhhs” over the pregnant dogs, and squeals with delight when the cute, wriggly little puppies are born. But what happens to mama dog when all her puppies are gone? She feels useless, alone, listless, useless, and isolated. I felt as though I was no more than a belly, a uterus, a means to an end, and on top of that, I missed my little one with every fiber of my being. All it took was one phone call a week from little e’s mom to make my life brighter and more tolerable. I could hear her happy coos over the phone, and know that she was safe, happy, and well cared for.

What I’m trying to say in a nutshell, folks, is just pick up the damn phone one a week for the first two months (if your birthmother and you make that agreement). Make some time for her, and she’ll be eternally grateful.

Tip #2: Yes, we remember holidays too.

Here’s the thing. You know how pissed off you get when your S/O forgets your wedding anniversary/First date anniversary/birthday? Thats how many of us feel when you forget important days like Birthmothers day (the saturday before mothers day) or Our baby’s birthday. I won’t lie, my couple made a big boo-boo with me when they forgot to acknowledge me on little e’s birthday. I was having a hard time coming to terms with the one year anniversary of my relinquishment, and on top of all of my conflicting feelings and sadness, THEY FORGOT ABOUT ME. Literally. Even my mom got a birthday announcement. I did not. Needless to say, I was really hurt and felt betrayed that the only person that acknowlaged my involvement with little e’s life was my (wonderful perfect and fabulous) boyfriend. He sent me flowers to soften the blow of the day. Please don’t make the same mistake with your badass birthmamas. Send them flowers, a gift or a card on important days. I can tell you, you don’t have to go overboard and spend a million dollars on us! We just want to hear from you “We know that you were part of this special day too.” and a nice hallmark card does the trick.¬† Pictures of the little one are even better! ūüėČ

 

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A tip list for couples looking to adopt: aka, why honesty is, and will ALWAYS be the best policy.

This is a hard post to write, because I am literally bursting with things I want to say to people looking to adopt! There are so many little tips and tricks to dealing with us birthmothers, and I want to make your lives easier with the tips I list. I hope this list is helpful, and if you only take one thing away from this entry, I want it to be “Be honest, above ALL else”.

Tip # 1: Seriously consider what you are getting yourself into.

– Adoption is sticky, emotional, draining, and sometimes terrible business.¬† You need to be prepared to have your heart broken, and your confidence shattered multiple times before you’re gifted with a little one. Thats not to say that there haven’t been situations in which a couple looks to adopt, and the next day a call comes in with a baby for them, I’m sure that DOES happen. A good example of a BAD thing that can happen in adoption, is my little e’s adoptive mother.¬† The woman who adopted my daughter has felt the sting of infertility, not just in the sense of not having the ability to create child.¬† She had been scammed by an unscrupulous adoption agency and lost a buttload of money, and a good deal of hope.¬† Her story has a happy ending (obviously) because I swooped in with my giant preggo belly and saved the day! (aka, she got the little girl she’d dreamed of all her life). Are you ready to bring on the (possible) pain? Good, then onto tip 2!

 

Tip # 2:  Be HONEST with yourself about what YOU want.

– I’m going to be blunt here. Don’t get pissy. You need to do a lot of soul searching when it comes to what kind of adoption you want to participate in. Domestic? Foreign?? Open??? Closed???? SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM! I know that everyone around you is likely talking about “Open adoption” a lot, and steering you toward that course. Now, I personally participated in an open adoption, and wouldn’t have it any other way. The thing about it is, you need to be honest with yourself about what you are and are not comfortable with. Does the idea of your future child’s birthmother walking into your kitchen and having a glass of milk with your child make you sick? Does the idea of having constant contact with the woman who gave up her child to you, give you the heebie jeebies? Are you the jealous type? Then be honest with yourself, AND YOUR BIRTHMOTHER, and opt for a closed adoption. Its very sad to say but when I attend my birthmothers support group, I constantly hear horror stories about promises of semi-open and open adoption, and then the family who adopted the birthmothers¬† children disappearing, leaving her with nothing but pain in her heart and questions. These families were not honest with themselves, and in turn, ended up crushing the dreams of a young woman who did nothing but give them the greatest gift she had to give. We, as birthmothers, have no legal claim over our children. YOU as an adoptive parent quite literally hold our lives in your hands. Please, save both ourselves and yourselves the heartache, and be honest with us about what you need from the adoption: You may lose a potential birthmother, but you may find another better suited to what you want.¬† Which brings me to my next tip.

 

Tip # 3: Less is more, and feelings come first.

-I cannot tell you how many adoption booklets I looked at when I was searching for little e’s parents. It literally must have been in the hundreds! I spent hours upon hours sitting at my mothers kitchen table, poring through book after book after book of people, hoping to adopt my little girl.¬† I sometimes felt as though I was playing triage with peoples hearts. I felt like with every “no”, I was saying,¬† “Nope, you don’t get a baby you’re not good enough!”, and it broke my heart. However, I can tell you what grabbed my eye personally, when I saw a couple I liked.¬† I remember my favorite book had a picture of the couple in question displayed nice and large on the front, with song lyrics framing it, and was only 3 pages long. I kid you not! Here’s the kicker: They were able to pack everything they wanted to say to me in three pages! and boy, did I appreciate it! It was a concise, emotional, and very informative little book, done in a scrapbook style, with pictures of them, their home, and their dog, with little blurbs to accent the pages. I loved that book, and had that couple been more compatible with me, I would have chosen them in a heartbeat.. One thing myself and my birthmother friends can agree on is: Less is more when it comes to your books. We don’t care that you knit for old ladies on sunday, or that you’re the #1 Square dance champion of your town. What we need to know is what you’re offering our child.¬† Tell us about your home, delve into your personal beliefs, how you met your husband or wife. That’s the meaty business that we need to know!¬† Also, just a tip. When you write your “Dear Birthmother” letter, please don’t aim to break our hearts. Please lift us up, because its so hard saying no when it isn’t right.

 

Tip #4: Saying what you think we wanna hear, gets you nowhere.

– So, you’ve gotten through deciding what kind of adoption you want, made up your “Dear birthmother” Book, and VOILA! You just got the call that someone is interested in you! You’re getting the butterflies and the heebie jeebies, and its almost like you’re going on your first date with Johnny Depp/Angelina Jolie. I’m sure the pressure to be perfect in absolutely intense, but you gotta slooooooow down sistah. This is the time for getting real. When you walk into that room and see that pregnant woman or couple, you’re going to be feeling a lot of things, I’m sure. I know when I met with my first couple, I was feeling so much intense emotion, I almost burst.¬† I’m hoping you can learn from that couple’s biggest mistake. The people that I met with were very VERY nice people, and I’m sure had nothing but the best intentions but their crucial flaw was the waffling with me, and treating me as though I were an ignorant person.¬† They would make one statement that I would be kind of iffy on, and then they’d backtrack and change their entire story. One of the things that MADE me choose the family that I did, was because they held thier ground and were strong in what they believed and wanted. I’m not thrilled with the idea that little e will someday join a dance team of little girls wearing skimpy and provactivie clothing, however Mama E loves the dance team, and believes strongly that its a part of childhood and little e shouldn’t miss it. She sttod her ground, and I respect her for it. The other mistake the other couple made was the way they spoke to me.¬† The entire meeting, they spoke in a loud and halting manner (Much like how you’d talk to someone who doesn’t speak your language). I had hoped that it was just the way that these people spoke, but I soon discovered that the reality of the situation was, that they thought I was slow. Ouch. The best advice I can give a couple on their first meeting is the following:¬† Be normal, be honest, and be yourselves!!! Thats all we really wanna see.

 

 

Ok, so I’m tired, and my man is cuddled up in bed without me. I should likley join him. More advice to come!

 

-Eee

The only thing we need to fear, is NOT fear itself…

… At least not in my case.

I’m talking about failure ladies and gentlemen. I, as a human being am “scared” of many things, including but not limited to

  • Spiders
  • clowns
  • being in the middle of large crowds of people

And so on and so forth… But what I am truly afraid of, in its most base and simple form is failure. And yet, here I stand, facing failure in the face day in and day out. I sometimes fail at the most simple things, for example, I mess something up at work, or I don’t come home on time, or perhaps I buy a birthday present that doesn’t go over well.¬† These simple everyday failures, for some reason, frustrate me to no end.So, ladies and gents,¬† I’m sure you can imagine how frustrated I am with my daily feelings of failure about relinquishing my first daughter. I see teenage mothers with their children, struggling to make it on a day to day basis, but STILL raising their children.¬† I see my younger brother and his wife preparing for the birth of their first daughter, and I am reminded that I couldn’t handle motherhood. In my mind burns one single question “Why is it that everyone other than me can handle motherhood?? WHY COULDN’T I DO IT???”. The only thing that helps me combat these feelings of failure is knowing that deep down, I made the RIGHT choice for little e. I knew that I wasn’t stable enough to handle the precious little life that was gifted to me. I knew that financially, I wanted to be able to give my children anything and everything they would ever need. At that point in my life, I had no job, no prospects, and no goals.¬† And I found a wonderful, and sadly infertle couple that could give my little e everything she had ever dreamed of. Trips around the world? SURE! Medical issue plaguing her? TAKEN CARE OF! Awesome schooling, and a moral and stable upbringing? CHECK. They had everything that I was lacking (But will surely be able to provide in time). Though my heart tells me every day that it misses and loves my little girl, and wants her back in my arms, my logic tells me that she needs to be where she is for a reason.. I guess that I’m one of the lucky few who has a stronger head than heart.

 

Love and kisses,

 

Eee

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS (aka, why I’m slowly becoming a racist.) *language warning*

Dear two african-american males seated behind me last night at the AMC theatre,

Congratulations! you just set your whole fucking culture back about 100 years. Nice going dickheads.

You see, I have been waiting ever so patiently to see paranormal activity ever since I read about it on bloodydisgusting.com. I’ve sat in anticipation, waiting for the counter on their website to hit the “mass release” stage. I’ve read countless reviews, calling it one of the best horror movies of our time. I waited, and waited. And then, A MIRACLE! The requests hit 1,000,000!!! MASS RELEASE!!! So I decide to meet up with a couple of friends, myself and Bobby and go see this magnificent piece of horror cinema.

We finally get our seats, and I had a foul feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought perhaps it was the johnny rockets I’d eaten earlier, but I think it was my body telling me that something terrible (that wasn’t related to the movie) was about to transpire in that very theater. I turned around to scan the crowd, and saw you two. Oh, how could I miss you? Your gold shiny teeth that likley cost more than my car, silk bomber jackets, “bling-bling” or “ice” (or whatever slang people use for pieces of jewelry that look like you could serve a fancy dinner off of), and last but not least, your sunglasses (in a movie theater. A dark movie theatre. WTF?) I felt the first grips of frustration when you started calling to your friend “DAWNELL” or “DAYSHAWN!!!!” or some shit like that. I listened to you talk about some “Skank ho” (your words, not mine) who didn’t return a phone call of yours throughout the entirety of the previews (gee, I wonder why??? You’re SUCH a catch!!), and felt a wave of relief wash over me as you finally shut the fuck up when the movie started.

But my respite from your incessant jabbering was sadly as brief as I imagine your stint in high school to have been. Before I could even put a sour patch kid to my mouth, you were at it again, my two dear DEAR fucking friends from the movies. You couldn’t help but admire the female protagonists derriere in such beautiful and poetic terms, even I felt myself compelled by your words (Compelled to skull fuck you with my fist, that is.) I remember such memorable quotes as “ooOOOOOOooooWEEEEEE SHAWTY! THAT BITCH GOT SOME APPLE BOTTOMS UP IN DERE”. And as the movie went on, your quotes got more and more fantastic. Another gem that you bestowed onto us was “FUCK dat ho. I’d fucking go and leave that bitch. I’ma be like, ‘BITCH I’m going to the bafroom’ den I’m gonna run and get some fuckin ciggerettes cuz I need a fukkin smoke naowaddimean muthafucka ??” I absolutely ADORED how each and every scene that inspired the littlest bit of tension, you felt compelled to break down fo all of us in the theatre. I also love how you screamed “OOOOHWEEEE!” each time something remotley frightening happened, and kicked the back of my seat. TRULY CLASSIC. MY friends that had accompanied us decided about 20 minutes into your incessant jabbering, to leave the theatre and get a refund because of your stupid asses. Me, being the stubborn person that I am, felt compelled to stick it through. When your loud commentary became too much for me to handle, I went and informed the manager of how amusing and AWESOME your little diatribes behind my head were, and perhaps he should come in and listen for himself. When he decided to come in and have a little listen, the both of you went as quiet as church mice. I guess you must have been feeling SHY, or something. Big scary manager intimidating you, I feel bad to have caused you such stage fright. Its ok though, because the minute he left, your lovely dialogue with the screen continued with more gusto and creative use of the English (I think that’s what you were speaking) language. Why, your volume rose wirth the tension of the movie, to the (amazing) end of the movie was completely awash with the meoldic sound of your voice yelling out “OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEE

EEEEEH BITCH! THAT BITCH GOT YO ASS!!! FUCK DAT SHIIII”. I though it added a beautiful, more human touch to an obviously lacking in dialogue movie. Thank you.

But seriously. If I ever see either of you motherfucking disgusting ghetto pieces of trash, I’m going to rip your fucking tongue out of your ignorant egg shaped heads, and shove it so far up your ass, it’ll end up somewhere in your esophagus by the time I’m done. Thank you VERY FUCKING MUCH for ruining what would have been an AMAZING horror movie for me. If the movie producers wanted your inane and retarded soundtrack added to the movie, THEY WOULD HAVE HIRED YOUR TRASHY ASSES TO BE IN THE FUCKING MOVIE!

To paraphease this entire blog entry;  Fuck you verymuch, I hope you choke on a piece of popcorn and die.
Love and lobotomies!
-Eee

*tap tap* Is this thing on?

Hi. Whats up?

Sooo…. I noticed a lot of people in the adoption community do this blogging thing, and I figured “What the hell? Why not? You’re a birthmother, you know some stuff about adoption, YOU BLOG!!!”. So I am. Lucky you. I guess before I start with regular entries I should probably let you all know a little bit about me, so that way you can decide whether or not you want to navigate away from my page, or stay on it.

  • I’m cynical, and rather sarcastic
  • I can be rather blunt
  • My personal religion will have little, or nothing to do with what I write on this blog.
  • I don’t “get off” on the warm fuzzy wuzzies. I’d rather laugh than cry all day
  • I’ve been a birthmother for a year, to a little girl who now resides down south
  • not EVERY post on this blog will be adoption related. I have a life other than adoption, after all.
  • I’m 24, and was 23 at time of relinquishment (in case ya can’t do the math yourselves ;o) )
  • I work for a Spay/Neuter clinic. I love my Job, I love animals, and I STRONGLY am pro animal rights (but I’m not crazy like peta.)
  • I love photography
  • I can sing
  • My favorite color is purple.

Are you still with me? YOU ARE??!?!?!? You must really like me! I mean, REALLY LIKE ME! Sweet. So I guess I can commence with meatier topics… eventually. I’ll get to it. Don’t look at me like that, I’m doing the best I can here! Sheesh. Ok, until next time

-Love and Lobotomies!

-Eee

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